We go to therapy for healing and understanding. So why are we sometimes dishonest with the professionals specifically trained to help us?
If you’ve ever caught yourself lying to your therapist, be assured that you are not the first, and you certainly won’t be the last.
The truth is, when we’re feeling vulnerable, our first reaction may be to close up and default to a safer, more comfortable response to uncomfortable questions.
Dishonesty in therapy can often occur as a means of self-preservation, where we lie because:
- we’re afraid of rejection or feeling shame over our situation;
- telling the truth may cause us to take responsibility for a serious problem; or
- we’re in denial.
These factors are often interrelated, and all have a strong tie to the self-preservation instinct. This instinct, per Sigmund Freud, is one of two instincts that motivates human behavior and is described as the fundamental tendency of humans to behave in a manner that avoids injury and increases chances of survival.
How self-preservation may cause us to be dishonest in therapy
1. We’re afraid of rejection or feeling shame over our situation.
Rejection is universal—we’ve all experienced it, and it always stings. In fact, the experience of social rejection activates areas of the brain that process physical pain. If we’ve been rejected or made to feel bad in the past for being open and authentic with others about our feelings or circumstances, we may switch to defense when things become personal—including therapy.
Over time, our need for acceptance has become a mechanism for survival. So, the idea of our therapists—many people’s last resort for healing and acceptance—rejecting or shaming us can be overwhelming. If we feel ashamed of our actions, choices, or behaviors (whether or not they were within our control or shameful at all), the truth may be hard for us to come by.
This dishonesty may be the result of a traumatic experience, such as sexual assault, abuse, or homelessness, that we may have been belittled or called dramatic for sharing in the past.
In an effort of self-preservation, we may lie to fit the mold society has given us.
2. Telling the truth may cause us to take responsibility for a serious problem.
Owning our weaknesses can be one of the most difficult steps to take in therapy.
No one wants to admit that they have a problem. And when no one is holding us accountable for our problems and encouraging us to move forward from what’s been dragging us down, avoiding the responsibility to fix the problem altogether becomes too easy.
We may enter therapy concealing our drug addiction while looking for a way to heal from its side effects. Maybe the altercations with family and friends are the result of alcohol abuse, or maybe we’re downplaying the intensity of our suicidal ideations.
The thought of being honest about these issues may send us into an anxious spiral, and though we may desperately desire the help a therapist offers, we lie because we’re afraid of the potential repercussions of being honest.
However, what many of us don’t know is that there are a number of ways to heal and recover from these behaviors, and rehab and hospitalization is often a last resort.
But as it is, our self-preservation instinct kicks into high gear if we’re not ready to change.
3. We’re in denial.
Among the defense mechanisms that we use to protect our emotional state and cope with uncomfortable realities, denial is exceptionally common.
When we deny, we are protecting ourselves from a psychologically stressful situation. But allowing this denial response to persist long-term may cause us to develop an unhealthy adaptive pattern, often resulting in low self-esteem, codependency, addiction, depression, and more.
Infidelity, past traumatic experiences, substance abuse/addiction, issues with aggression, and even minor circumstances like test preparedness can trigger our denial response.
Many of us have spent enough time convincing ourselves of something opposite of the truth that when questioned by our therapists, it’s likely we may not even realize we’re being dishonest–our self-preservation instinct runs that deep.
Finding Your Truth
The key to being honest with your therapist is being honest with yourself first.
Our self-preservation instinct often works against us, and when we’re out of touch with what’s upsetting us, turning a blind eye to reality, or repressing uncomfortable emotions, we’re denying ourselves compassion and understanding.
Finding our truth is the first step to healing. To do this, we must:
- Stop self-judgment
We’re our own biggest critics. If we feel we’ve fallen short of our expectations for ourselves, then it’s time to be our own biggest advocate instead. Rather than judging ourselves for where we feel we’ve gone wrong, we need to forgive ourselves and transform that negative energy into positivity moving forward. For every self-deprecating thought, send an affirming one in return.
- Validate our experiences
What we’re going through / have gone through is real. And so are the emotions that come with it. Downplaying our experiences to soften the blow on ourselves or those around us does not do anyone any favors. It’s crucial we connect with how certain circumstances directly affect(ed) us and then give substance to our experience. Journaling, and of course, therapy is invaluable for this.
- Acknowledge our power
You and only you have the power to change your life. When we feel we’ve been made weak by our circumstances, be it addiction, trauma, or otherwise, we have to recognize that we are capable of making a change and are strong enough to face our troubles. Speaking affirmations of strength aloud is a great way to reinforce our power.
- Have patience
As an advocate for ourselves, we must identify any unhealthy expectations and limits we have for our healing. Time and steady, conscious effort does wonders for all kinds of wounds. The kinder, more patient, and more honest we are with ourselves directly affects the integrity of our healing.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve caught yourself lying in therapy, know that you’re not alone. We self-preserve through dishonesty so we can put our best foot forward, but it often brings us a step back.
It may take some time to build trust in your therapist—and that’s okay! Therapy is meant to happen at your own pace and over a period of time.
But remember, therapists aren’t mind readers! If you need help, tell them. It’s what they’re here for.
Your therapist has tried and true ways to set you on the path toward healing without immediate invasive measures and without judging or breaking you down.
Your honesty does not require your world to be turned on its head; it only requires trust in your therapist to guide you.
